Jigsaw Killer Frustrated to Realize He'd Captured Escape Room Enthusiasts

Local serial killer John Kramer has been kidnapping and torturing victims with elaborate murderous puzzles for years. He says it's his way of raising awareness of the need for gratitude of the gift of life. He enjoys his charity work even though he's never earned a penny doing it, but he wasn't ready for the headache that came with his most recent batch of victims, a group of friends that do escape rooms every time Rachel has a free Thursday night.

“It seemed to be going so well at first,” said John, referring to drugging and abducting the group of six people. “But as soon they woke up they began to call out all the numbers and letters in the room and Andrea declared herself 'project manager' and asked everyone to bring their clues to her.”

Laurie, the sole survivor of the ordeal, said it was a lot of fun.

“At first, when we awoke chained to different radiators, we were wowed. I'd never seen that puzzle before,” she told paramedics as they wrapped her in a blanket to prevent shock.

“Chad figured out we had to saw through our own leg. He was really good at lateral thinking puzzles. I'm going to miss him”

This incident was the culmination of a long trend of people locking themselves and friends or co-workers in rooms filed with puzzles for recreation. With over 150 so called Escape Rooms operating across the country, serial killers have been noticing a steady increase in amateur puzzle solvers ending up in their inhumane contraptions.

“Normally you get at most one keener per group. You know it right away by how their eyes light up when the creepy puppet asks if they want to play a game,” said John, while sharping bear-traps in his home office. He says you normally try to pick them off first since they are never gonna learn whatever twisted moral you are trying to instill.

“They're hopeless,” he sighs.

Laurie, on the other hand, is proud of her friends performance. She thought they communicated well, didn't get distracted by the spooky set dressing, and Derek was on fire solving the ciphers.
“He's probably the reason I escaped in record time. I'm going to miss him too.”

John, to his credit, isn't giving up.

“I'll just keep at it, but it is a waste of my time that could have been spent torturing a drug addict into being my disciple.”

He gives the advice that if an assailant wearing a pig-mask runs at you from out of a dark corner to scream, “I love Escape Rooms!” to save both the killer and yourself a lot of time and hassle.