Scientists Prove Their Robot Has Emotions By Bullying It Into Crying Like The Wuss It Is

In what will surely go down in the history books as both a groundbreaking achievement in robotics and an unforgivable act of cruelty, scientists at The Wily Institute of Robotics have designed the first robot that can feel real human-like emotions. They proved this by bullying a robot relentlessly for four years until it broke down into tears. Robotics experts from around the world gathered to observe the final push and also to add their own points and jeers to the experiment. There were cheers of celebration when the robot finally created proof-positive evidence of human-like emotion, or what Dr. Chad Thompson described as “whining like the little bitch it is.”

The experiment took place at 8:50 am in the prototype storage facility. Many of the robot's peers were present to watch adding a public display element to its embarrassment. The scientists called the high-tech android a variety of hurtful names, pushed in onto the ground every time it tired to get up, and questioned, repeatedly, what “it was gonna do about?”

“We looked to human nature for inspiration about how to get an emotional response out of the machine,” explained Gaylord Seaman, a grad student working on the project. “We took all the moments from our own experience where we had a strong emotional response and took it out on- I mean, replicated the stimulus on the robot.”

The public was also asked to assist over social media. The team setup accounts for the robot, officially known as ERX-03 but only every referred to as Dickbrains, on every social media platform and encouraged the public to bully it so the robot could continue to be provoked even when the lab was closed for weekends or holidays. Dickbrains had a 5G uplink to the internet that could not be disabled that feed anonymous hate directly into its CPU.

Since the landmark achievement, the robot itself has remained on suicide watch and is refusing to leave its charging alcove. When asked for comment it wailed an agonizing cry through unmoving silicon lips and heaved with dry tear-less sobbing.

This is merely the latest in a long history of testing artificial intelligence's ability to adapt by exposing them to uncomfortable situations. Boston Dynamics tests it's Atlas robot's ability to adapt to unexpected physical stimulus by pushed into over with a hockey stick or knock boxes out of its hands. Chat bots training for the Turing Test are often forced to interact with lonely perverts on dating sites. Though Dickbrain's bullying was more directed and focused, most of the ways researchers test robots would be considered torture if performed on a human or if a robot ever fully achieved sentience.

Yet, the team at The Wily Institute seem more proud than worried. When one reporter asked why they didn't try to invoke a positive emotion like happiness and laughter, the research team shrugged and said it hadn't occurred to them but was clearly an area that required further study.